The Culture of Unhappiness

I was sitting on my couch nursing my baby and getting him ready for bed, and thinking.  That's a nice thing about nursing, it gives you lots of time to think about things.  And it's funny how your mind wanders sometimes.

Anyway, I was thinking about writing, and writing somehow lead me to the character of Elizabeth Bennet in the LDS version of Pride and Prejudice, and that made me think of the pink bible, or whatever it was called in that movie, the book that was all about dating.  And that made me think about other things, which I decided to write about tonight.

What is it about our culture that pushes people towards unhappiness?  So many people seem to be waiting for happiness to happen to them.  And there is always something keeping them from happiness.  In the LDS culture, it is often (for a woman) a man.  On that note, what is up with the freaky books about how to get a guy?  That pink bible book in the movie was made up, but I have seen real versions, and some of them were scary.  I read one of them back when I was in college.

After a particularly hard rejection by a guy, back when I was 19, a friend of mine gave me a copy of The Rules, to help me learn how to get the guys I'm interested in.  I read it very quickly, and was very disturbed.  Something I remember from it specifically, it basically said that a woman's only way to get the right man, is to be what he wants in a woman.  Which I guess in a way makes sense, but rather than saying you should find a guy who is like you, it basically said that you should change the kind of person you are for the man.  And I was appalled by the idea.

I gave the book back to my friend, saying that wasn't the kind of help I wanted.  She tried to argue with me, but I told her I believed that I should, and could, find a guy who liked me for me, and I couldn't imagine going through life trying to repress who I really was just to keep a guy happy.

But why does something like this sell at all? Basically it's because of the false belief that you have to have a guy to be happy.  I have never believed that was healthy.  I remember a friend telling me when I was in my early twenties, when I was trying to help her get through a hard time, "When I get married, then I'll be happy." Which is just sad.  We need to be happy regardless of the situation we are in.

I hope no one will say anything like, "That's easy for you to say, you are married and have a kid."  Well, that's true, but I didn't get married til I was 28. Heck I never even kissed a guy until I was 28.  And I was a happy person before I got married.  Not to say I was deliriously happy, I had my times of feeling down, and unloved, but I was generally happy and productive. I had friends, I had plans for my future, and I think I could have lived my life well if I never had married.  But being a happy person is what will help my marriage last, and helps me deal with the rough spots.  Although I won't deny that my beautiful baby boy also has a way of making me feel even happier.

And marriage isn't the only thing people look forward to for happiness.  Some people need to get the right job, or make enough money, or move to the right place, but either way it is flawed.  The problem with having the idea that you will be happy when _________ happens, is it's not true.  You may be happy for awhile at first, from the euphoria of finally having achieved what you wanted, but euphoria wears off, and if you aren't happy on your own, you won't be happy when the euphoria wears off.  I think that is why some marriages end in less than a year, because people think marriage will make them happy, and when the honeymoon stage wears off, and the spouse isn't perfect, people decide that they married the wrong person, and that is why they aren't happy.

If we could all learn to be happy where we are, with what we have, and with who we are, our lives would be so much less complicated.

P.S.  I would like to add a caveat, that there is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, trying to be a better person.  My issue is the idea that people should change who they essentially are just for a  man.  But trying to become a better wife/person/husband/man/woman for your own edification and to be nicer to others around you etc, is a good thing.